Can I Ever Be Friends With My Narcissistic Ex-Boyfriend? Episode 19 of the “Ask a Question” Show

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Hi everyone. My name is Dana and this is episode 19 of the Ask a Question show, the show in which you ask a question about any type of narcissistic or otherwise abusive or toxic relationship or situation and I, along with the rest of the community here, will do our best to answer it. Our goal is to give you the feedback and the support that you need so that you can move forward in getting the clarity, the closure and the healing that you so deserve.

And so today’s question comes from Natasha. Natasha asks, “Dear Dana, can I ever be friends with my narcissistic ex-boyfriend?” And then she gives a little bit of background information. She says, “I met a guy about 5 years ago when I was on a trip. We hit it off immediately and I altered my travel plans and stayed with him for 2 months. During that time, I found out about a lot of things, like he had a teenage daughter he never mentioned to me.

We dated on and off and much of our relationship involved deception and manipulation on his part, including him seeing other women even though he promised to be faithful. Fast forward a couple of years, I cut off contact with him but then he messaged me on Facebook like nothing had happened. I still care about him but we live on opposite parts of the world and have very different lives. I don’t want any ill-will or bad blood between us.

I would like for us to be able to be friends, as now I can actually think about the fun times that we had together and I smile about it– a few months ago I couldn’t do that.https://creation.com/the-dating-game But when he wrote this to me and I felt like I just couldn’t be friends with him if all the old stuff was going to go on. I know that I can’t always trust him or believe him, but having him as a Facebook friend and chat from time to time could maybe be OK.

Sometimes I wonder in a few years if it will all be possible, but I feel like he has to show me something or do something for me to show me that OK, yes, we can be friends again. So therefore, my question is can you ever become friends again with your narcissistic ex-boyfriend or girlfriend?” So, OK Natasha, a couple things. You asked, “Can you?” Sure! I mean, you can do anything, you can do anything that you want to do.

You’re an adult and you sure can. My question would be why would you want to? So normal, healthy people would cut ties with somebody who lies and cheats and manipulates and withholds information– especially the fact that he didn’t tell you that he had a child, that’s a really– that’s creepy to me. Like, creepy and weird and icky. Like, I wouldn’t even want to hang out with a guy as a friend, let alone a boyfriend, who, like, denied the existence of one of his children.

That just, to me, really speaks volumes about his character and I would run from that, personally. So, you know, why would you want to have a friend in your life that lies to you? Even if you don’t have, like, you know, it sounds like you said you live in opposite parts of the world, so it’s not like you guys would be hanging out, but still… I mean, time– my whole goal with a lot of these videos is to get people to value themselves and to value– and part of yourself, valuing you, is valuing your time and valuing your emotions and that would kind of mean, you know, not having the wrong people suck up valuable emotions and valuable time. So why would you even spend 5 minutes with somebody who is not a quality human being, when you could spend those 5 minutes with people that are quality human beings?

So you can do whatever you want to do, because you are an adult, but I would strongly encourage you to make some better friends to where you have amazing times with and that actually value you and they value your friendship and they have good, you know, ethics and morals and values and they’re not lying and manipulating and spinning things. Because you can never be friends with somebody like this, because he doesn’t care. He doesn’t care about the truth, he doesn’t care about dynamic of any value. It’s just kind of all about him and you mention a good point in here and I want to bring this up because I see a lot of people go wrong– I know it’s where I’ve gone wrong in the past. You made the comment that, “Sometimes I wonder in a few years’ time if it would be possible to basically be friends, but I feel like he has to show me something or do something for me to show that you guys can be friends again.” A lot of people get hung up on this, right?

And it’s this whole concept of, basically, there’s 100 reasons for somebody to go, but co-dependent people, people with poor boundaries and poor standards like a lot of us have, we struggle with this, is we’re looking for that one reason to stay and really for a person to show you that they are a quality human being, that they’re not involved in a lot of lying and deceiving and cheating and spinning and gas-lighting and drama and chaos and confusion, they need to do more than just show you some-thing. They need to show you a pattern of sustained behavior over, like, a long stretch of time to earn that trust. Again, it’s not that– trust is not blindly given, it’s earned and it’s earned over trustworthy behavior over a long span of time so that you can see yes, indeed, this person truly does value me, my time and my emotions and is worthy of my time and my emotions.

So I thought that was just kind of interesting because I guess that a lot of people kind of get hung up on that. So that’s what I kind of say to your question. I would encourage you to find friends that are quality people. You sound like a quality person– you sound like a lot of fun.

I mean, you’re traveling the world and you’ve got a lot of interesting stuff going on. I’m sure that there are a lot of other quality people out there that would love to have you as one of their friends. Go find your people that love to travel and that are good, solid, decent people and invest your time and energy in them, because to invest it in this guy is just screaming into the wind, you’re just throwing away time and energy with him.

So, and of course, too, I also kind of wonder what his intentions would possibly be if he’s re-opening conversations and communication with you like nothing happened. My guess is he’s probably going to have a trip out to your area soon; he’s going to want to use you for something, because that’s what his past has been with you. So keep your guard up for that, too.

Hi everyone. My name is Dana and this is episode 19 of the Ask a Question show, the show in which you ask a question about any type of narcissistic or otherwise abusive or toxic relationship or situation and I, along with the rest of the community here, will do our best to answer it. Our goal is to give you the feedback and the support that you need so that you can move forward in getting the clarity, the closure and the healing that you so deserve.

And so today’s question comes from Natasha. Natasha asks, “Dear Dana, can I ever be friends with my narcissistic ex-boyfriend?” And then she gives a little bit of background information. She says, “I met a guy about 5 years ago when I was on a trip. We hit it off immediately and I altered my travel plans and stayed with him for 2 months. During that time, I found out about a lot of things, like he had a teenage daughter he never mentioned to me.

Date

We dated on and off and much of our relationship involved deception and manipulation on his part, including him seeing other women even though he promised to be faithful. Fast forward a couple of years, I cut off contact with him but then he messaged me on Facebook like nothing had happened. I still care about him but we live on opposite parts of the world and have very different lives. I don’t want any ill-will or bad blood between us.

I would like for us to be able to be friends, as now I can actually think about the fun times that we had together and I smile about it– a few months ago I couldn’t do that. But when he wrote this to me and I felt like I just couldn’t be friends with him if all the old stuff was going to go on. I know that I can’t always trust him or believe him, but having him as a Facebook friend and chat from time to time could maybe be OK.

Sometimes I wonder in a few years if it will all be possible, but I feel like he has to show me something or do something for me to show me that OK, yes, we can be friends again. So therefore, my question is can you ever become friends again with your narcissistic ex-boyfriend or girlfriend?” So, OK Natasha, a couple things. You asked, “Can you?” Sure! I mean, you can do anything, you can do anything that you want to do.

You’re an adult and you sure can. My question would be why would you want to? So normal, healthy people would cut ties with somebody who lies and cheats and manipulates and withholds information– especially the fact that he didn’t tell you that he had a child, that’s a really– that’s creepy to me. Like, creepy and weird and icky. Like, I wouldn‘t even want to hang out with a guy as a friend, let alone a boyfriend, who, like, denied the existence of one of his children.

That just, to me, really speaks volumes about his character and I would run from that, personally. So, you know, why would you want to have a friend in your life that lies to you? Even if you don’t have, like, you know, it sounds like you said you live in opposite parts of the world, so it’s not like you guys would be hanging out, but still… I mean, time– my whole goal with a lot of these videos is to get people to value themselves and to value– and part of yourself, valuing you, is valuing your time and valuing your emotions and that would kind of mean, you know, not having the wrong people suck up valuable emotions and valuable time. So why would you even spend 5 minutes with somebody who is not a quality human being, when you could spend those 5 minutes with people that are quality human beings?

So you can do whatever you want to do, because you are an adult, but I would strongly encourage you to make some better friends to where you have amazing times with and that actually value you and they value your friendship and they have good, you know, ethics and morals and values and they’re not lying and manipulating and spinning things. Because you can never be friends with somebody like this, because he doesn’t care. He doesn’t care about the truth, he doesn’t care about dynamic of any value. It’s just kind of all about him and you mention a good point in here and I want to bring this up because I see a lot of people go wrong– I know it’s where I’ve gone wrong in the past. You made the comment that, “Sometimes I wonder in a few years’ time if it would be possible to basically be friends, but I feel like he has to show me something or do something for me to show that you guys can be friends again.” A lot of people get hung up on this, right?

And it’s this whole concept of, basically, there’s 100 reasons for somebody to go, but co-dependent people, people with poor boundaries and poor standards like a lot of us have, we struggle with this, is we’re looking for that one reason to stay and really for a person to show you that they are a quality human being, that they’re not involved in a lot of lying and deceiving and cheating and spinning and gas-lighting and drama and chaos and confusion, they need to do more than just show you some-thing. They need to show you a pattern of sustained behavior over, like, a long stretch of time to earn that trust. Again, it’s not that– trust is not blindly given, it’s earned and it’s earned over trustworthy behavior over a long span of time so that you can see yes, indeed, this person truly does value me, my time and my emotions and is worthy of my time and my emotions.

So I thought that was just kind of interesting because I guess that a lot of people kind of get hung up on that. So that’s what I kind of say to your question. I would encourage you to find friends that are quality people. You sound like a quality person— you sound like a lot of fun.

I mean, you’re traveling the world and you’ve got a lot of interesting stuff going on. I’m sure that there are a lot of other quality people out there that would love to have you as one of their friends. Go find your people that love to travel and that are good, solid, decent people and invest your time and energy in them, because to invest it in this guy is just screaming into the wind, you’re just throwing away time and energy with him.

So, and of course, too, I also kind of wonder what his intentions would possibly be if he’s re-opening conversations and communication with you like nothing happened. My guess is he’s probably going to have a trip out to your area soon; he’s going to want to use you for something, because that’s what his past has been with you. So keep your guard up for that, too.

And boundaries and standards high, move forward, you’ve got this, girl. So yeah. I’ll be curious to see what everybody else has to say.

You guys, read the comments; there’s gold in the comments there. People are incredibly wise and insightful in this community, it’s awesome, so check it out and, you know, yeah. So if you guys have any questions, comments, concerns, frustrations, ideas for anything, insights, you need some support, you just want to say ‘Hi’, please let me know.

Contact info is down below and I will talk to you guys soon. Lots of of love to you, you are not alone. You are not crazy and you really can heal and move forward and have an amazing life full of amazing people and amazing times and yes, yes, yes, you can.

I fully believe that with every ounce of my being. So I will talk to you guys later, take care. Bye.

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